I am a very jealous person. I don’t usually talk about it, or say it because I don’t want to make a fuss over petty things but deep inside me, anxiety is killing me, and I don’t want it. I get jealous because I am tired of losing friends and people leaving me ( sometimes without notice). I am tired of investing to people who may not be a part of my life in the next months. I have been wanting constant people in my life since way back and it’s so hard to know who’s gonna stay and who’s gonna bid goodbye. I get jealous because I am afraid that one day they’ll realize that their other friends are better than me or more fun to hang out with especially that I am such a boring person. I want to invest in my relationships with people, but I am so scared, and maybe that’s what’s keeping me from not opening 100% of myself.
But I don’t want to be that jealous friend who gets awkward every time she feels insecure about her friends hanging out with other people. I want to be the understanding friend (ate) as much as I can. So this year for me not to get jealous ( I will try really hard) below are the things that I have reflected and promised myself to start doing ( I KNOW THIS DATI PA BUT ANG SENSITIVE NG HEART. KALOKA)
DON’T BE TOO CLINGY -Understand that my friends have another world/circle aside from me. We may be friends, but I can’t dictate what they should or should not do because it’s their life. Love doesn’t dictate, and I love them. There are also things that s/he needs to do for her/him to grow, be a better person and sometimes those are the things that don’t include me. It’s normal for people to have different types of friends because each type fulfills a certain role in our lives. It hurts to think about it, but it’s reality. I should not get hurt by their life choices ( such as kausap, katext, kagalaan). I should not be clingy and feel FOMO because they deserve to see the world, meet other people and create their own adventures, and I should be happy for them.
ENJOY EVERY MOMENT TOGETHER – Be thankful for the quality time they choose to spend with me because that moment is special. Whatever we are doing I will treasure it in my heart because those little moments are what makes our friendship unique from others. May it be a spontaneous camping or beach trip, an impulsive videoke sesh, the small talks while waiting for the train or the 2am conversations. Those are precious, meant to be kept in our hearts.
BE CONFIDENT WITH YOUR FRIENDSHIP – People who truly love me ( the good, the bad and the ugly) will be the ones who will stay till my hair turns gray. There will only be a few people who will stay but that doesn’t mean that I will not enjoy the experiences, the moments spent together with them (even if along the way they decided to leave anyway). Be confident that true friends never leave. Whoever that is, time will tell.
I AM MY OWN PERSON. I understand that I am my own person, I can do things on my own even without them. And there are times that solitude is precious, and being alone lets me discover a little more about myself. I should not depend on my happiness and travel schedule with them. I WILL MAKE MY OWN PLANS; Discover new restaurants, watch movies alone, meet other people and go on my own adventure. I will learn to embrace and love the company of myself MORE. YES, I SHOULD HAVE FRIENDS, but I WILL BE MY OWN BEST FRIEND.
START MY OWN ADVENTURE- I will start traveling alone, even it if scares the hell out of me because only in that way I will discover my limitations and exceed the expectations I have to myself. It’s the only way I will be able to appreciate everything around me without thinking about other people, it’s a release from a chaotic world and a chance to be invisible. It’s a chance to meet more interesting people, to learn from them, and to wander with them. It’s a nerve-racking thought but because I am myself, I know I can do it. But it really scares me! And that’s the thing, I wanna conquer that fear and tick that bucket list for this year!
JUST LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY- Love without hoping that your love will return but also acknowledge that it may return in whatever form you may not recognize ( 5 love languages). Love because that’s what we are made to do. Love without an agenda. Love even if it hurts. Love to heal. Love to be happy. ( An additional reflection after talking to Ate Honey)
These are my reflections, and hopefully, this will change my heart. I am excited to meet my new self 😀
NOTE: THIS IS A DRAFT POST SINCE LAST YEAR